God damn madatory alcohol course. It's supposed to take 2 1/2 hours, but it's been 3 1/2 and the hellish thing isn't done. I've gotten to the point where I'm just watching TV and letting the program run. This has been an awful, awful day, nightmarish in its "what can go wrong, will go wrong" unholy law.

I'm not prepared for my INS class or my Spanish class and I haven't done my math homework. Everything has spiraled out of control until I seem to be floating in a terrible haze of uncontrollable uncertaintly.

Traffic this morning was unimaginable. Everything, everything has mounted in an insurpassable mass.

The Atlantic coast is on a hurricane warning.

Apparently, the only school open in Miami-Dade county is the school I just happen to be attending.

The entire car drive to UM I changed the lyrics to every song to a combination of 'Fuck', 'UM', 'I hate you', 'Fuck, Fuck, Fuck', 'Die'.

When I arrived in the rain, my 9:30 class (of which about twenty people were missing from) lasted for a whopping five minutes, as the professor left her T.A. to hand out the syllabus because she had gone home, like all rational people.

I then ran back to the car in a deluge, swept inside soaking wet, and drove back home. My next class is at 2:00, but I am praying fervently that God will look down on me with an indulgent, benevolent smile and entice the UM disaster board into cancelling afternoon classes.

Please, please, please, please, please.

Think of the movie 'Apocolypse Now', add a dash of 'The Pianist', and perhaps a hint of 'Saving Private Ryan' and that is my life right now.

I can't even elaborate - just imagine all of that, and I can assure you that I am experiencing the torment of all of these.

In fact, I'd say Marlow via the Vietnam war had it a tad easier.

Insert a heavy sigh here, and you could be me.

So, I'm sitting here at the computer eating cherries after having read 'Candide'. There are a massive amount of cherrie pits collected on a festively decorated napkin by the mouse.

The last days have been nearly entirely a waste, and a very unsatisfying climax to to a summer that has been, well, unsatisfying. I should really get up and start reading 'The Communist Manifesto' (I am not a Communist - screw it, maybe I am, I'm just in denial) which was given to me weeks ago, but the catharsis of unloading meaningless ramblings was too seductive to miss.

Monday, woke up at an unholy hour to take sister to school, though mother could have easily accomplished the same task without sacrificing my last days to stay up late watching Comedy Central and sleeping until a more reasonable hour of, say, noon. Met father for lunch, forgot his wallet, had to sheepishly explain to the manager, grovel, narrowly escaped washing dishes. Then, drove to Brickell, picked up Grandmother's check, dropped it back off to her, and slowly drive home. Entire operation took over three hours, entire afternoon. I feel that my efforts needed (a) A military code name - "Operation Monetary Retrieval" or something of the like and (b) Medals of honor.

At a loss of what to do now. I suppose I should shower and dress. That would seem like a logical progression.

Watched evangelical TV yesterday simply to see how impassioned their raving could become. One pastor raged that Islam was the product of Satan. Other than that being preposterous, what I don't understand is how these people study a Gospel of tolerance and respect yet parade on national television ranting about the complete opposite. Another was preaching Revelation and describing, in detail, the punishment inflicted on non-believers at the End of Days. I think it's strange to believe that God is all-loving and all-merciful, but then He'll cover our bodies with boils and turn rivers to blood.

I was also reading about the new Pope Benedict, and his criticism of Buddhism as a threat to religion and promoting autoeroticism. Buddhism is, though imperfect as all religions are, in my opinion one of the most peaceful religions existing today in its promotion of compassion, understanding, and pacifism. I suppose he's not too fond of some schools of Buddhist thought condoning consensual adult sex before marriage. Don't hate, Pope Benedict.

I believe that many people would benefit from understanding and respecting these words of Gandhi's:
"So we can only pray, if we are Hindus, not that a Christian should become a Hindu … But our innermost prayer should be a Hindu should be a better Hindu, a Muslim a better Muslim, a Christian a better Christian."

My mother's pseudo-kind-of-not-really-in-fact-disregard-any-kind-of-official-title-boyfriend (whome I loathe beyond any measure) wrote a book judging, imaginatively, other get-rich-quick books. I know what you're thinking - this already sounds like an idea of complete, overwhelming genius.

However, it pains me to inform you that it is, in fact, not.

The book, what little I was able to read without throwing up in my mouth, includes gratuitous phonetic recordings of 'The Twilight Zone' theme ('dunununununun'), a blow-by-blow account of Luke Skywalker's attempts to destroy - and I quote - 'The evil Deathstar', and musings about the possibilities of gender confusion among fellow financial profiteers.

I know it sounds Einsteinian, but the work itself isn't half as intelligent. In fact, I'd extend myself in offering that it isn't 1/200015th intelligent. It sounds, more accurately, like an essay loosely based on monetary matters sloppily assembled by a blonde cheerleader attending a community college who had suffered a major brain trauma.

Even worse, my mother gave it her seal of approval after barely glancing at the thing, assuming that any creation of her lover's must eclipse Aristotle in its bold intellectualism and historic importance.

I nearly had a coronary when I realized that this, this, was a product of endless time, effort, and pride. This unholy creation of the devil masquerading as financial advice.

There has to be some kind of psalm in the Bible forbidding this somewhere, somehow. And I'm going to find it.

I wonder the political orientation of most Honda Civic drivers.

You never really see anyone with Jesus fish and 'Support Bush' bumper stickers cruising around in a little civic - they're normally driving enormous SUV's that emit noxious gas and are contributing to the melting of Siberia. Damn them, the bastards. They're also getting screwed on gas right now, so I suppose there is some kind of divine justice in the world.

Therefore, I must unofficially concurr that most, if not all, Civic drivers are liberal because (a)few cars have annoying conservative political slogans and (b)most civic drivers are under the age of 25, and liberalism, like anything important such as the ability to eat solid foods, diminishes with age and (c) I am liberal and drive a civic, and national trends must conform to my own personal experience. Of course.

I told my father last night that I don't like choosing movies to rent or go see without having first seen them myself, because I get nervous as to whether the other person is enjoying the movie or not, as I picked it and it would be my fault if they were dissatisfied. He just looked at me strangely and said that I attained new heights of weirdness. I just thought it was being considerate.

I should really call Cynthia and ask if she wants to catch a movie or something today. I'm tired, though. Woke up at 8:15 to take little sister to school, part of the penance of owning a car I am not paying for. My mother now wants me to do the laundry as I am "now of college age".

Mom - I did my own laundry when I was in college.

Me -You were at Yale and living on your own. I, like a Turkish slave, have been forced to attend UM and live at home. I should at least get some laundry benefits out of this.

Unreasonable?

We were eating dinner last night (tortellini). I tell her quite clearly and in depth I cannot eat the tortellini with tomato sauce because I do not like tomato sauce and am, therefore, eating it with olive oil. She nods and smiles and professes understanding, and then pours all the olive oil on the bread. I don't think she even listens to me anymore, just murmurs monosyllabic assents in opportune punctuations of conversation.

Last weekend she was out partying and didn't buy any food. Why? "I have to have something to live for."

MTV videos on right now, a rock song I've never heard.

Even though I went to the beach all day yesterday, I still was impatient and moody. I don't know why. I had fun at the beach, dropped my friend off, came home, and my sister still irritated me. And what was worse, I couldn't just shrug it off with a Buddha-like state of equanimity.

I guess Buddha-hood takes a lot of practice. What am I saying, of course it takes a lot of practice, it's Buddha!

Don't mind me.

Your Inner European is Russian!

Mysterious and exotic. You've got a great balance of danger and allure.

Who's" Your Inner European?

Yes.

My parents are seriously beginning to irk me to no end.

Formerly my mother, father, and I had pleasant relationships, albiet with my father somewhat tumultuous, but as the summer has dragged on I've found myself farther and farther removed. Obviously, that's natural for someone who's 18, but they have just been irritating me considerably, overwhelmingly, rather than a gradual reduction of interaction that one would expect from a college student.

Rainy night.

My closet, open in stark view, clothes hanging like colorful curtains.

The realities of life, crashing down, the unfairness, the frustration, like swimming, fighting against a flood of churning water.

I just want to escape. Why can't I find someone who will help me?

Silly people, silly life, and a silly world.

Hands over my lips, brushing against them red and sore.

Teresa's birthday/end of summer bash tomorrow night.

Frustrated.

Frustrated at my mother for various reasons, at my father for others, at the world in general for not being more accomodating.

I feel as if I'm trapped in a dimension where my standards seem bizarre to everyone else and only make sense to me.

Perhaps I'm going crazy?

Hmm. No, I'm reasonably sure I'm still reasonably sane. But then again, if my reasoning is unsound, than my reason has no basis in reason!

Ahhhhhhhhh.

4:17. I'm supposed to be going shoe shopping, though I really have no desire for shoes. Odd, because that's the typical female stereotype.

I dislike living at home. Ah, well. At least I'm not starving in sub-saharan Africa. Or, you know, infested with bubonic plague. And I don't have tuberculosis. I'm also not being sold in marriage by an overbearing, Gengis Khan-esque father.

Therefore, there are many things to be thankful for. See, four right above.

A bird cawing outside. The fan in the bathroom blowing, blowing, blowing ceaselessly. Dripping hair, cars rushing by, rough hands, and very short time.

Relieved.

I read assorted friends' livejournals today (rather secretly) and realized that everyone has the same problems as me. Or, at least, these two do.

We all have anxities and resentment towards the college we are attending. We all have issues and difficulties with our parents. All of us are having an incredibly boring summer, and all of us are trying to cope with new experiences, issues, and ideas.

I supposed I always viewed myself as a singularity, assumed that everyone else's lives were idyllic, and wondered why, precisely, my life could not also be that way.

But, as it turns out, all of our lives suck.

Yey!